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Deprecated: Return type of WP_Theme::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-theme.php on line 554

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Theme::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-theme.php on line 595

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Theme::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-theme.php on line 535

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Theme::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-theme.php on line 544

Deprecated: Return type of WP_REST_Request::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/rest-api/class-wp-rest-request.php on line 952

Deprecated: Return type of WP_REST_Request::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/rest-api/class-wp-rest-request.php on line 972

Deprecated: Return type of WP_REST_Request::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/rest-api/class-wp-rest-request.php on line 984

Deprecated: Return type of WP_REST_Request::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/rest-api/class-wp-rest-request.php on line 995

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::current() should either be compatible with Iterator::current(): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 151

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::next() should either be compatible with Iterator::next(): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 175

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::key() should either be compatible with Iterator::key(): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 164

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::valid() should either be compatible with Iterator::valid(): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 186

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::rewind() should either be compatible with Iterator::rewind(): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 138

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::offsetExists($index) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 75

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::offsetGet($index) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 89

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::offsetSet($index, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 110

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::offsetUnset($index) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 127

Deprecated: Return type of WP_Block_List::count() should either be compatible with Countable::count(): int, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-list.php on line 199

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property ACF::$fields is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/advanced-custom-fields/includes/fields.php on line 138

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property ACF::$revisions is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/advanced-custom-fields/includes/revisions.php on line 387

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property ACF::$validation is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/advanced-custom-fields/includes/validation.php on line 215

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Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 395

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 387

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 381

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_FormTag::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/form-tag.php on line 399

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetExists($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetExists(mixed $offset): bool, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 78

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetGet($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetGet(mixed $offset): mixed, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 72

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetSet($offset, $value) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetSet(mixed $offset, mixed $value): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 59

Deprecated: Return type of WPCF7_Validation::offsetUnset($offset) should either be compatible with ArrayAccess::offsetUnset(mixed $offset): void, or the #[\ReturnTypeWillChange] attribute should be used to temporarily suppress the notice in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/validation.php on line 82

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property Shortcodes_Ultimate::$about_menu is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/shortcodes-ultimate/includes/class-shortcodes-ultimate.php on line 207

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WPCOM_REST_API_V2_Endpoint_Instagram_Gallery::$is_wpcom is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/_inc/lib/core-api/wpcom-endpoints/class-wpcom-rest-api-v2-endpoint-instagram-gallery.php on line 23

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WPCOM_REST_API_V2_Endpoint_Tweetstorm_Gather::$is_wpcom is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/_inc/lib/core-api/wpcom-endpoints/class-wpcom-rest-api-v2-endpoint-tweetstorm-gather.php on line 22

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WPCOM_REST_API_V2_Endpoint_Gutenberg_Available_Extensions::$wpcom_is_site_specific_endpoint is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/_inc/lib/core-api/wpcom-endpoints/gutenberg-available-extensions.php on line 20

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WPCOM_REST_API_V2_Endpoint_Memberships::$wpcom_is_wpcom_only_endpoint is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/_inc/lib/core-api/wpcom-endpoints/memberships.php on line 23

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WPCOM_REST_API_V2_Endpoint_Memberships::$wpcom_is_site_specific_endpoint is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/_inc/lib/core-api/wpcom-endpoints/memberships.php on line 24

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WPCOM_REST_API_V2_Endpoint_Subscribers::$wpcom_is_wpcom_only_endpoint is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/_inc/lib/core-api/wpcom-endpoints/subscribers.php on line 15

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property MO::$_gettext_select_plural_form is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/pomo/translations.php on line 293

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property Automattic\Jetpack\Sync\Queue::$random_int is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/vendor/automattic/jetpack-sync/src/class-queue.php on line 38

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property Publicize_UI::$in_jetpack is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/modules/publicize.php on line 53

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property MO::$_gettext_select_plural_form is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/pomo/translations.php on line 293

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property CZR_resources_scripts::$_resouces_version is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/themes/customizr/core/class-fire-resources_scripts.php on line 20

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property MO::$_gettext_select_plural_form is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/pomo/translations.php on line 293

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property CZR_resources_styles::$_resouces_version is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/themes/customizr/core/class-fire-resources_styles.php on line 35

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WPCOM_Widget_Goodreads::$shelves is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/modules/widgets/goodreads.php on line 33

Deprecated: DateTime::__construct(): Passing null to parameter #1 ($datetime) of type string is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/script-loader.php on line 331

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property POMO_FileReader::$is_overloaded is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/pomo/streams.php on line 21

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property acf_field_oembed::$width is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/advanced-custom-fields/includes/fields/class-acf-field-oembed.php on line 31

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property acf_field_oembed::$height is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/advanced-custom-fields/includes/fields/class-acf-field-oembed.php on line 32

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property acf_field_google_map::$default_values is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/advanced-custom-fields/includes/fields/class-acf-field-google-map.php on line 33

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property acf_field__group::$have_rows is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/advanced-custom-fields/includes/fields/class-acf-field-group.php on line 31

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property POMO_FileReader::$is_overloaded is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/pomo/streams.php on line 21

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property POMO_FileReader::$_f is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/pomo/streams.php on line 153

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property MO::$_gettext_select_plural_form is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/pomo/translations.php on line 293

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Block_Type::$plan_check is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-block-type.php on line 284

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property Jetpack_Shortcode_Unavailable::$shortcodes is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/plugins/jetpack/modules/shortcodes/unavailable.php on line 19

Deprecated: trim(): Passing null to parameter #1 ($string) of type string is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp.php on line 173

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property WP_Term::$object_id is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-includes/class-wp-term.php on line 198

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property CZR_header_model_class::$topbar_nbwrapper_container_class is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/themes/customizr/core/fmk-ccat.php on line 283

Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property CZR_logo_model_class::$src is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/themes/customizr/core/fmk-ccat.php on line 283

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Deprecated: Creation of dynamic property CZR_related_posts_model_class::$element_width is deprecated in /home/1/s/speilvendt/www/wp-content/themes/customizr/core/fmk-ccat.php on line 283

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Dårlig avtale – Speilvendt
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Dårlig avtale


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Høsten 2008 lånte jeg en navnløs, lefsete bok fra biblioteket på Tranby ungdomsskole. Boka gjorde så sterkt inntrykk at da jeg leste den ut, bestemte jeg meg for å selge sjelen for å bli best til å skrive. Jeg hadde tre i norsk og uutredet dysleksi. På orddiktat kunne jeg for eksempel stave ordet «foreløpig», slik: «fårelubi». Jeg leverte stiler blottet for henholdsvis struktur og inspirasjon. Aldri mer, tenkte jeg. Jeg la boka i innleveringsluka, og venta på at det skulle ringe inn.

I utkanten av skolegården, nær Coop-butikken vi ikke fikk gå inn i mer enn tre elever av gangen, hadde Djevelen satt opp en liten sjappe. Det ville nok ikke passert i dag, men i 2008 var det ingen som reagerte på det.

Jeg ba venninna mi Malin om å holde øredobbene mine, som om jeg skulle slåss. Jeg strente bort og la fram saken min ganske nøkternt. Skrive, sa jeg. Litteratur.

En sjel, takk, sa Djevelen, og dyttet noen sammenstiftede vilkår mot meg. Jeg skummet gjennom dem mens han noterte i en feminint beige moleskine. Jeg skrev under med den krokete gutteskriften min.

Fint, sa Djevelen. Alder på deg, da?

Tretten, sa jeg.

Jeg trenger hjemmenummeret ditt, sa han. Han noterte det i moleskinen.

I KRL-timen etter storefri, var håndskriften min dramatisk forandret. Snirklete og vakker som i en eventyrprinsesses selvmordsbrev. De neste dagene prøvde jeg å kjenne etter, men følte meg verken tyngre eller lettere. Jeg gikk til datarommet ved kantina og søkte på Klara Klok. Det stod: I dag kan mange mennesker leve godt uten sjel. En del opplever også økt livskvalitet. Ta kontakt med helsesøster hvis du er i tvil. Men jeg var ikke i tvil. Jeg skrev bedre. Norsklæreren min Claus ble helt fra seg, han leste stilene mine høyt for klassen. PP-tjenesten fikk selvfølgelig æren, enda jeg ikke hadde noe med dem å gjøre.

Å ikke ha sjel var faktisk en fordel i mange sammenhenger. Jeg ble vant til det, glemte det egentlig litt. Jeg ble beryktet for forutsigbare, men teknisk imponerende klarinettsoloer i korpset. Jeg gikk fra tre til fem i norsk. Da tiendeklasse var over, holdt jeg tale. Alle klappet.

Heller ikke i romantiske relasjoner var det et problem – de ruslet og gikk, og når det var over, var det over, og det tok meg nøyaktig fem virtuose klarinettsoloer å komme meg videre. Selv de første tre årene på psykologistudiet gikk bra. Først da jeg skulle begynne å lære meg terapi, jobbe i relasjon og så videre, møtte jeg problemer.

En dag jeg var hjemme i Lier for å spise søndagsmiddag, lette jeg etter sjelen i skoesken for attester og forsikringsbevis, men fant den ikke. Jeg spurte mamma om hun hadde sett sjelen da de rydda i kjellerboden. Nei, sa hun, du må holde orden på sånt selv. Senere fant jeg kvitteringen for sjelssalget, med datoen og den krokete underskriften. Jeg la to og to sammen.

Jeg gikk til fastlegen min på SiO, Kvamme, og beskrev situasjonen. Han fant e-journalen og sa: Det står her at du ikke har hatt sjel siden 2008, stemmer det?

Det bekreftet jeg. Jeg har ikke tenkt på det på flere år, sa jeg.

Det kan ha noe med saken å gjøre, sa han bare. Da han tastet inn referatet, brukte han bare pekefingrene.

Jeg bestemte meg for å kjøpe sjelen min tilbake. Djevelen hadde lagt om nettsida. Det var nesten umulig å finne telefonnummer til kundeservice. Alt var lagt opp sa du skulle klikke deg inn på spørsmålet du hadde, og lese en instruksjon. Omsider fant jeg et telefonnummer. For henvendelser om en allerede solgt sjel, tast 4. De spilte Röyksopp som kømusikk. Kvinnen i den andre enden var selvfølgelig svensk. Jeg fortalte henne at siden det var gått over ti år siden jeg solgte sjelen, hadde jeg ikke all dokumentasjonen her og nå.

Är du nöjd med tjänsten fram till nu? spurte hun.

Ja og ha, sa jeg. Jeg er overhodet ikke best til å skrive. Jeg er bare helt grei.

Svensken kunne fortelle at avtalen gjaldt eget utgangspunkt.

Hvis det er mulig, vil jeg gjerne ha sjelen tilbake, sa jeg.

Tyvärr, sa hun. Inga själer som säljs före 2013 kan säljas tillbaka utan återforsäkring.

Hør her, sa jeg. Jeg kan umulig ha hatt samtykkekompetanse til å selge sjelen da jeg var tretten.

Da sa hun at foreldrene mine ble kontaktet for bekreftelse. De syntes bare det var fint med en kunstner i familien. Sjeler har vi nok av! hadde de sagt.

Jeg bestemte meg for å gjøre det beste ut av det. Hadde jeg noe valg? Jeg slutta på psykologi, begynte i reklamebransjen i stedet. Jeg oppsøkte en støttegruppe for folk med uavklart forhold til manglende sjel. Der møtte jeg Lasse. Vi begynte å leve sammen, i et forutsigbart og litt følelsesløst samliv. Noen ganger var det som om vi levde parallelt. Det var ingens feil, men handlet om tilstanden vi begge hadde. Jeg prøvde å slå meg til ro med dette.

Kjersti Halvorsen går 8. semester på profesjonsstudiet i psykologi


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