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Dårlig avtale – Speilvendt
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Dårlig avtale


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Høsten 2008 lånte jeg en navnløs, lefsete bok fra biblioteket på Tranby ungdomsskole. Boka gjorde så sterkt inntrykk at da jeg leste den ut, bestemte jeg meg for å selge sjelen for å bli best til å skrive. Jeg hadde tre i norsk og uutredet dysleksi. På orddiktat kunne jeg for eksempel stave ordet «foreløpig», slik: «fårelubi». Jeg leverte stiler blottet for henholdsvis struktur og inspirasjon. Aldri mer, tenkte jeg. Jeg la boka i innleveringsluka, og venta på at det skulle ringe inn.

I utkanten av skolegården, nær Coop-butikken vi ikke fikk gå inn i mer enn tre elever av gangen, hadde Djevelen satt opp en liten sjappe. Det ville nok ikke passert i dag, men i 2008 var det ingen som reagerte på det.

Jeg ba venninna mi Malin om å holde øredobbene mine, som om jeg skulle slåss. Jeg strente bort og la fram saken min ganske nøkternt. Skrive, sa jeg. Litteratur.

En sjel, takk, sa Djevelen, og dyttet noen sammenstiftede vilkår mot meg. Jeg skummet gjennom dem mens han noterte i en feminint beige moleskine. Jeg skrev under med den krokete gutteskriften min.

Fint, sa Djevelen. Alder på deg, da?

Tretten, sa jeg.

Jeg trenger hjemmenummeret ditt, sa han. Han noterte det i moleskinen.

I KRL-timen etter storefri, var håndskriften min dramatisk forandret. Snirklete og vakker som i en eventyrprinsesses selvmordsbrev. De neste dagene prøvde jeg å kjenne etter, men følte meg verken tyngre eller lettere. Jeg gikk til datarommet ved kantina og søkte på Klara Klok. Det stod: I dag kan mange mennesker leve godt uten sjel. En del opplever også økt livskvalitet. Ta kontakt med helsesøster hvis du er i tvil. Men jeg var ikke i tvil. Jeg skrev bedre. Norsklæreren min Claus ble helt fra seg, han leste stilene mine høyt for klassen. PP-tjenesten fikk selvfølgelig æren, enda jeg ikke hadde noe med dem å gjøre.

Å ikke ha sjel var faktisk en fordel i mange sammenhenger. Jeg ble vant til det, glemte det egentlig litt. Jeg ble beryktet for forutsigbare, men teknisk imponerende klarinettsoloer i korpset. Jeg gikk fra tre til fem i norsk. Da tiendeklasse var over, holdt jeg tale. Alle klappet.

Heller ikke i romantiske relasjoner var det et problem – de ruslet og gikk, og når det var over, var det over, og det tok meg nøyaktig fem virtuose klarinettsoloer å komme meg videre. Selv de første tre årene på psykologistudiet gikk bra. Først da jeg skulle begynne å lære meg terapi, jobbe i relasjon og så videre, møtte jeg problemer.

En dag jeg var hjemme i Lier for å spise søndagsmiddag, lette jeg etter sjelen i skoesken for attester og forsikringsbevis, men fant den ikke. Jeg spurte mamma om hun hadde sett sjelen da de rydda i kjellerboden. Nei, sa hun, du må holde orden på sånt selv. Senere fant jeg kvitteringen for sjelssalget, med datoen og den krokete underskriften. Jeg la to og to sammen.

Jeg gikk til fastlegen min på SiO, Kvamme, og beskrev situasjonen. Han fant e-journalen og sa: Det står her at du ikke har hatt sjel siden 2008, stemmer det?

Det bekreftet jeg. Jeg har ikke tenkt på det på flere år, sa jeg.

Det kan ha noe med saken å gjøre, sa han bare. Da han tastet inn referatet, brukte han bare pekefingrene.

Jeg bestemte meg for å kjøpe sjelen min tilbake. Djevelen hadde lagt om nettsida. Det var nesten umulig å finne telefonnummer til kundeservice. Alt var lagt opp sa du skulle klikke deg inn på spørsmålet du hadde, og lese en instruksjon. Omsider fant jeg et telefonnummer. For henvendelser om en allerede solgt sjel, tast 4. De spilte Röyksopp som kømusikk. Kvinnen i den andre enden var selvfølgelig svensk. Jeg fortalte henne at siden det var gått over ti år siden jeg solgte sjelen, hadde jeg ikke all dokumentasjonen her og nå.

Är du nöjd med tjänsten fram till nu? spurte hun.

Ja og ha, sa jeg. Jeg er overhodet ikke best til å skrive. Jeg er bare helt grei.

Svensken kunne fortelle at avtalen gjaldt eget utgangspunkt.

Hvis det er mulig, vil jeg gjerne ha sjelen tilbake, sa jeg.

Tyvärr, sa hun. Inga själer som säljs före 2013 kan säljas tillbaka utan återforsäkring.

Hør her, sa jeg. Jeg kan umulig ha hatt samtykkekompetanse til å selge sjelen da jeg var tretten.

Da sa hun at foreldrene mine ble kontaktet for bekreftelse. De syntes bare det var fint med en kunstner i familien. Sjeler har vi nok av! hadde de sagt.

Jeg bestemte meg for å gjøre det beste ut av det. Hadde jeg noe valg? Jeg slutta på psykologi, begynte i reklamebransjen i stedet. Jeg oppsøkte en støttegruppe for folk med uavklart forhold til manglende sjel. Der møtte jeg Lasse. Vi begynte å leve sammen, i et forutsigbart og litt følelsesløst samliv. Noen ganger var det som om vi levde parallelt. Det var ingens feil, men handlet om tilstanden vi begge hadde. Jeg prøvde å slå meg til ro med dette.

Kjersti Halvorsen går 8. semester på profesjonsstudiet i psykologi


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