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– Det er ikke deg, det er oss – Speilvendt
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– Det er ikke deg, det er oss


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Det kan være vanskelig å skille mellom «mine foreldre som er glade i meg» og «mine foreldre som forakter hverandre».

Illustrasjon: Audun Gjerdi
Illustrasjon: Audun Gjerdi

 

Nylig møtte jeg en skilt far og hans voksne sønn på familievernkontoret. Sønnen hadde behov for å snakke om forholdet til faren. Det hadde vært mange situasjoner gjennom årene hvor sønnen hadde opplevd faren som sint og fjern. Han opplevde at faren kunne bli gretten for små detaljer eller trekke seg unna midt under en hyggelig familiesamtale. Sønnen formidlet at dette hadde vært vanskelig for ham, og at han ofte følte seg redd for å tråkke feil når de to var sammen.

 

Til tross for at far virkelig ønsket å komme sønnen i møte, strevde han med å forstå. «Jeg og du har jo alltid hatt et godt forhold,» sa han. «Det er jo din mor og jeg som har hatt det vanskelig – ikke vi to».

Faren kunne huske mange gode opplevelser med sønnen – vel å merke der moren ikke hadde vært til stede. For faren var det disse stundene som definerte forholdet mellom dem: et forhold preget av åpenhet og nærhet. I disse stundene hadde faren følt at de to virkelig hadde det fint sammen, uten at den vanskelige dynamikken mellom ham og mor kom inn og forstyrret.

 

I løpet av samtalen måtte faren ta innover seg dette enkle: at sønnens bilde av ham også var sterkt preget av hvordan han hadde behandlet moren. Trøbbel i parkjærligheten hadde kludret det til for ham som pappa. I parforholdet hadde far følt seg krenket og såret av mor. Mange av par-reaksjonene hans mot mor hadde bidratt negativt til sønnens fortelling om sin far. Denne sammenhengen virket nesten helt fjern for faren. For ham var par-minnene lagret i et annet assosiasjonsnettverk – på «eks-fila» – og de var derfor ikke så lett tilgjengelige når det var forholdet mellom far og sønn som var på dagsordenen. Det var først da faren innså dette, at de kunne bevege forholdet videre.

 

Foreldrekjærlighet er grunnleggende. Den er biologisk, evolusjonistisk og fundamental. Den står støtt som en påle i de fleste foreldres bevissthet: Man vet at man elsker sine barn. Sånn er det bare. Barn trenger derimot enda en påle for å kjenne trygghet og kjærlighet fra sine foreldre. De trenger at foreldre behandler hverandre med respekt. Og dette trenger de om foreldrene bor sammen eller ikke.

 

I Norge oppløses halvparten av alle parforhold med barn. Foreldre skilles. Utfordringen er at barn ikke alltid kan skille. Det kan være vanskelig å skille mellom «mine foreldre som er glade i meg» og «mine foreldre som forakter hverandre». Dette skaper forvirring og forvrengte foreldrebilder. Og da taper foreldrekjærligheten. Den kommer ikke ordentlig gjennom. Som en ungdom formulerte det på kontoret mitt: «Hver gang pappa oppfører seg stygt mot mamma gjør det dobbelt vondt, både fordi jeg er glad i mamma, men også fordi halvparten av meg er mamma!»

 

Der foreldrene inngår i krig og konflikt med hverandre, er barn raske til å gå inn i ulike beskyttelsesprosjekt. Noen barn tar parti med den ene eller den andre. Noen blir gående på nåler og forsøker å ta ansvar for at ingen flere landminer detoneres mellom foreldrene. Noen forsøker å flytte foreldrenes oppmerksomhet over på seg ved å bli bråkete og utagerende. Igjen glipper det for dette viktige og biologiske: barn trenger å bli tatt hånd om av sine foreldre. På samme måte som foreldre trenger å vise sine barn at de er elsket.

 

Oppskriften er like enkel som den er vanskelig. Like mulig som den kan kjennes umulig ut, når voksne står i konflikt. Barn – store og små – trenger at foreldre behandler hverandre med respekt. Og de trenger at foreldre forstår viktigheten av dette. Først når dette skjer, kan barn senke skuldrene og ta imot omsorgen foreldrene ønsker å gi.

 

Av Arve Bjelland Grov, psykolog ved Homansbyen familievernkontor, BUF-etat.


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