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Fifty shades of stigma – Speilvendt
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Fifty shades of stigma


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Hvorfor blir samfunnets eksperter på samtykke, selvutforskelse og trygg seksualitet uglesett?

 

Illustrasjon: Ragnhild Heggem Fagerheim
Illustrasjon: Ragnhild Heggem Fagerheim

 

I en verden hvor både vold og voldtekt florerer i nyhetsbildet og i underholdningsbransjen, er det tross all fornuft lite som sees på som like drøyt som å ta på seg litt lær sammen med samtykkende voksne. Er BDSM den siste skanse av skamfull seksualitet?

BDSM er begrepet som erstattet «sadomasochisme» i 1991, ettersom sistnevnte var sterkt assosiert med diverse lidelser og psykoanalytiske begrep. Diagnosene «F65.0 Fetisjisme» og «F65.5 Sadomasochisme» i ICD-10 ble i 2011 fjernet i Norge, men er dessverre ennå i bruk mange steder i verden. Forkortelsen BDSM inneholder «bondage og disiplin» (BD), «dominans og submission» (DS) og «sadisme og masochisme» (SM). Det er snakk om rollespill, ofte av seksuell art, som består av maktbytte basert på fetisjer hos deltagerne. Man deltar som enten «topp» eller «bunn», relativt til aktiv og passiv part i selve handlingen. Kun fantasien setter grenser for hvordan deltagerne spiller ut sine roller.

 

En annerledes type workshop Siden samfunnet har gitt meg nøyaktig null og niks av skikkelig informasjon om hva BDSM faktisk er, tar jeg kontakt med Ung BDSM, som sender meg til Sunniva. Ung BDSM er et nettverk og et politisk utvalg for unge mennesker interessert i BDSM. De tilbyr en trygg møteplass for å diskutere og lære om temaet – uten faktisk lek i praksis.

Jeg ler høyt av det herlige scenarioet som utspilles i hodet mitt. Sunniva og jeg har snakket om at Ung BDSM tilbyr mange muligheter for læring i et trygt forum for sine medlemmer, blant annet workshops. Jeg tenker på juletreverkstedene jeg deltok på som liten:

– Heh, nå ser jeg for meg et langbord fylt av mange ungdommer som sitter og knytter tau, jeg!

Jeg blir møtt med et smil mens hun ser meg i øynene,

– Jo, det er vel egentlig akkurat sånn!

Ung BDSM følger et prinsippsystem kalt SSS – Sunn, Sikker og Samtykkende, som sier at sikkerheten skal være garantert og ansvaret likt fordelt hos alle parter. Kommunikasjon er helt sentralt for å sikre dette, både før, under og etter leken. SSS er på ingen måte forenelig med ruset lek, fordi det skader evnen til å gi samtykke.

Sunniva understreker at når det gjelder selve opplevelsen, er det en enorm spennvidde av individuell variasjon. Hun beskriver det selv som et utløp for følelser som bygger seg opp i hverdagen. En utenforstående ville kanskje sagt at man er helt hjelpeløs, men faktisk er maktfølelsen helt enorm. Sammen med den fantastiske makten man kjenner på, ligger en trygghetsfølelse av de sjeldne. I tillegg finnes virvaret av nysgjerrighet, selvsikkerhet og behovet for å utvide horisonten sin – bare litt til.

Jeg spør om ikke dette kan være ganske avhengighetsskapende, og får et bekreftende nikk. Én ting er de biologiske, hormonelle faktorene, en annen er den utrolige mestringsfølelsen man kjenner på både under og i etterkant av leken. «Sub-space» er betegnelsen for følelsen som inntreffer hos noen i ettertid: en følelse av intens ro, nærmest total sjelefred.

 

Å gjøre vondt er ikke det samme som å skade Seksualiteten blir bare mer og mer fri i vårt samfunn, og man tar eierskap over den på nye måter. Sexleketøy er nå ganske vanlig å eie, og å synes at lettere bondage er spennende, begynner vel også å bli akseptabelt. Likevel, det at flere nå kikker nysgjerrig på fluffy, rosa håndjern i butikken, fører det til en lavere terskel for å virkelig prøve ut fantasiene sine? Det er vanskelig å si, men det er en spennende samfunnsutvikling å følge med på.

 

For mange yrkesgrupper vil det kunne være katastrofalt om det skulle bli kjent at de utøver BDSM.

 

Samtidig har BDSM en aldri så liten nemesis i populærkulturens siste skrik. 50 Shades of Grey-trilogien, husmorpornoens nye hersker, ser galant bort ifra det krystallklare samtykket, grunnpillaren til BDSM. I tillegg blir myten om at alle BDSM-ere har blitt misbrukt som barn, bekreftet av fortiden til hovedkarakteren Christian Grey. En solid metaanalyse fra 2011 viser derimot at BDSM-ere er normalfordelt på alle måter sammenlignet med resten av befolkningen (Skeid & Reiersøl). 50 Shades of Grey kan sies å være mye forskjellig, personlig kaller jeg det tanketom romantisering av seksualisert vold, men det har ingen relasjon til BDSM for øvrig.

For er det noe BDSM ikke trenger, så er det slik støtte til myter som fører til stigma og fordommer. For mange yrkesgrupper vil det kunne være katastrofalt om det skulle bli kjent at de utøver BDSM. Derfor er «outing», å offentliggjøre identiteten til en i BDSM-miljøet, uakseptabelt og blir møtt med strenge sosiale sanksjoner.

 

En egen seksuell legning? Om interesse for BDSM er en legning, altså noe grunnleggende i personens seksualitet, er omdiskutert innad i miljøet. For eksempel er det markant mange som forteller at de husker små, uskyldige tegn i sin tidligste utvikling av seksualitet, som man da ikke tenkte spesielt over. Ett eksempel, forteller Sunniva, er at man i barndomsårene synes det er spesielt behagelig å bli holdt tett og/eller være fastbundet. Og for mange utvikler interessen for BDSM seg i takt med resten av seksualitetens utvikling i tenårene. Noen er derimot såkalte «late bloomers», men dette er også vanlig blant eksempelvis homofile.

 

BSDM – bare litt drøyt men sykt morsomt Jeg kan ikke la være å tenke at samfunnet som helhet har mye å lære av BDSM. Å kjenne ens interesser, kropp og grenser er essensielt for et godt sexliv, som igjen utgjør en viktig del av vår velvære og helse. Det er neppe noen annen gruppe som gjør en slik utforskning og selvutfoldelse så grundig og fordomsfritt som BDSM-ere. Å holde rus helt utenfor «leken» vår er også noe jeg tror alle burde vurdere. Inhibisjoner og rasjonalitet blir som kjent svekket når man er påvirket av for eksempel alkohol. Man kan ta risikoer og valg man egentlig ikke kjenner seg trygg på, og kanskje senere vil angre på. I tillegg kan ikke en seksualitet som er avhengig av at man er i en påvirket sinnstilstand, sies å være en særlig trygg seksualitet.

Samtykke har indirekte vært et tema i offentlig debatt de siste årene i diskusjoner om voldtekt. For å være subjektiv her, vil jeg si at det virkelig plager meg at det finnes tvil i samfunnet om at noe som helst annet enn et entusiastisk og kontinuerlig «ja!», ikke er samtykke. Måten BDSM-kulturen hviler på samtykke og kommunikasjon som det essensielle premiss bak all seksualitet, synes jeg er noe man burde ta til seg i øvrige deler av samfunnet. Ikke fordi den allmenne seksualitet er råtten langt inn i kjernen eller noe slikt, men fordi jeg har urokkelig tro på at noen ting faktisk ikke kan gjentas for ofte.

Så hva er det egentlig jeg sier her? Burde alle hoppe oppi lærstøvlene og løpe til nærmeste BDSM-forening? Nei, seksualitet er sterkt personlig, og variasjon er alltid vakkert. Men når det gjelder visse deler av BDSM sier jeg ja, her har absolutt alle noe å hente.

Dessuten vet man aldri når man får bruk for å kunne knytte tau.

 

Av Tor Amund Voll Storaas, 4. semester, profesjonsstudiet i psykologi


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