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Grenseløs kjærlighet – Speilvendt
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Grenseløs kjærlighet


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Det hender jeg spør mennesker hva «grenseløs kjærlighet» betyr for dem. Svarene er alltid positive, men hva ligger egentlig i begrepet?

 

Mine egne assosiasjoner til dette begrepet er umiddelbart knyttet til vår kulturs tradisjonsrike religion, kristendommen. I sin grenseløse kjærlighet til mennesket ofret Gud sin sønn for å frelse oss fra fortapelsen – og derfor strever kristne og teologer med «det ondes problem». For hvordan kan det ha seg at en grenseløst kjærlig og allmektig Gud lar mennesker gjennomgå så mye lidelse? Hvorfor kan han ikke være mer synlig til stede for oss? En av de mange teologiske utlegningene om dette er at Gud er for mektig. Mennesker ville ikke ha overlevd som mennesker i hans nærhet; de ville ikke lenger kunne bevare og utvikle sin egenart: selvstendighet. Den er symbolsk uttrykt ved at mennesket ikke kunne la være å trosse Gud og spise av kunnskapens tre, og ble kastet ut av Edens hage til et karrig og lidelsesfylt liv på jorden. Drømmen om en gang å møte Gud igjen – og bli en del av hans grenseløse kjærlighet i himmelriket – forsvant ikke.

Denne allegorien peker på sentrale dilemmaer ved det å være menneske, helt uavhengig av Guds eventuelle eksistens. Vi har alle en drøm om grenseløs kjærlighet, om å smelte sammen med andre. Av og til kan drømmen oppleves som virkelighet, som når en mor ser sitt nyfødte barn for første gang, eller når man finner den fullkomne partner. Men barnet begynner snart å utfordre kjærligheten gjennom lange våkenetter, og den fullkomne partneren viser seg å være ganske irriterende når forelskelsens henførthet forsvinner. Drømmen om den grenseløse kjærligheten forstyrrer våre lengsler etter å utvikle vår egen selvstendighet. Og det er godt at vi har slike lengsler. Psykologien har mange negative begreper for relasjoner der tetthet mellom mennesker er ødeleggende, som «folie à deux» eller former for «symbiose».

Det føles befriende å skrive om grenseløs kjærlighet heller enn om kjærlighet. La det allikevel være sagt at for meg betyr kjærlighet en grunnleggende varme og omsorg for en annen person, med rikelig rom for opplevelse av forskjeller. Jeg oppfatter grenseløs kjærlighet som et forsøk på å minimalisere slike naturlige og viktige grenser mellom mennesker. En gud kan kanskje ha en grenseløs kjærlighet til mennesker, men det er fordi han slipper å være i nærheten av dem.

 

Grenser i barneoppdragelse Da jeg arbeidet ved en barne- og ungdomspsykiatrisk poliklinikk, ble en femårig jente, Trude, henvist fra en barnehage. Hun fulgte ikke barnehagens regler og nektet å gjøre ting på andres premisser; ville ikke spise, bråkte i samlingsstunden, løp rundt og gjorde som hun selv ville. Barnehagen oppfattet mor som uforstående til vanskene med Trude. De var usikre på mors omsorgsevne, selv om hun forsikret dem om at hun brukte all sin fritid på henne. Jeg var et par timer i barnehagen og så en vanlig, søt femåring som «fløt rundt» i sin egen verden. Hun enset ikke personalets forsøk på å få henne til å tilpasse seg reglene, og kunne begynne å hyle når de snakket litt strengt til henne.

Mor kom litt motstrebende til samtale. Hun fortalte at hun elsket Trude over alt i verden, men at det kanskje kunne være litt vanskelig å få henne til å gjøre det mor ville. Hun syntes ikke det var så viktig – det eneste viktige var at Trude var glad. Når hun fikk det som hun ville, hadde de det veldig koselig sammen, men når mor prøvde å presse henne til noe, hylte og skrek hun. Mor trodde ikke det var bra for Trude å oppleve sånne negative følelser. Når vi gikk gjennom alle dagens gjøremål, viste det seg at den eneste gangen Trude var lydig var når hun ble bedt om å pusse tennene. Jeg spurte overrasket om hvordan mor hadde fått til det. Mor så like overrasket på meg: «Det går naturligvis bra, det hun». Mors kjærlighet til Trude var bokstavelig talt grenseløs, unntagen når hun «måtte».

Kjærligheten var naturligvis ikke uten ambivalens. Jeg oppfattet det som en viktig side av historien at mor var alene med Trude, og Trude trengte derfor all hennes kjærlighet. Det ligger mange ulike historier bak grenseløs kjærlighet (som vanligvis omtales som manglende grensesetting). Arbeidet med barn og familier lærte meg å lete etter disse historiene og bruke dem som utgangspunkt for samarbeid med mor/foreldre om å sette adekvate grenser. Da kan man finne en historie som gjør det lettest mulig for foreldrene å gi barna kjærlighet på en måte som er god for dem.

 

Grenser for intimitet mellom barn og foreldre Jeg har arbeidet med familier der det er mistanke om seksuelle overgrep mot barn. Ingen er i tvil om at seksuelle overgrep mot barn er grenseoverskridende, men ordet kjærlighet blir sjelden nevnt. Begrepet grenseløs kjærlighet får meg til å tenke på en familie jeg har møtt, med mor, far og to små barn, en gutt og en jente. Far var veldig glad i barna, og desto verre ble det derfor den dagen et av barna laget en strektegning som lett kunne fortolkes som at en mann gjorde noe seksuelt med et lite barn. far var ikke hjemme, og en foreløpig ikke-mistenksom mor brukte anledningen til å snakke om at voksne ikke hadde lov til å gjøre sånne ting med barn. Barna fortalte unisont at «sånn gjorde pappa med dem» – han vekket dem og ga dem godteri og «gjorde sånn» når mor hadde sovnet. Flere detaljer kom på bordet, og mor flyttet ganske umiddelbart. Far nektet. Samtaler og lek med barna førte ikke videre, men alle impliserte fagpersoner trodde på overgrep. Far nektet fortsatt, men krevde ikke samværsrett alene med barna; han sa han godt forsto at mor gjorde som hun gjorde under omstendighetene.

Hvorfor tenkte på dette som grenseløs kjærlighet? Far var oppvokst i fosterhjem og internater, og overgrep hadde vært en del av den kjærligheten han fikk. I tillegg var seksualitet mellom de ensomme barna en av måtene å gi og finne nærhet på. En mulig historie er at han aldri hadde lært grensene mellom fortrolighet og seksualitet, og at grenseløsheten ble uttrykt gjennom hans måte å gi kjærlighet til barna på. Han skjulte det fordi han visste at det var galt, men opplevde det ikke som galt. Denne historien forteller meg først og fremst noe om at det kan være mye kjærlighet i grenseløs kjærlighet, bare noen klarer å sette grensene.

 

Grenser i psykologrollen Som psykologer er det spesielt viktig at vi holder drømmen om grenseløs kjærlighet i tømme. Vi møter ofte mennesker som har vokst opp under ekstremt vanskelige kår, og som opplever at de aldri er blitt elsket. Vi kan oppleve at det ikke er psykologisk behandling de ber om, men grenseløs kjærlighet. Samtidig er de livende redde for nærhet og orker ikke nye skuffelser. I møte med slike mennesker trenger vi en måte å forstå dem på, og en måte å forholde oss til dem på.

Den mest dramatiske forståelsen er at det disse menneskene trenger er å få en sjanse til å lege de dype sårene sine i møte med en uforbeholdent kjærlig person. Psykologer som baserer seg på denne forståelsen kan få store vansker med sin profesjonalitet, spesielt med å sette grenser for sin kjærlighet. Det oppstår lett situasjoner der klienten oppfatter grenser som avvisning og psykologen drives stadig lenger i retning av grenseløs kjærlighet.

Det er mange historier, særlig fra tidligere år, om psykologer som rykker ut ved alle varsler om at noe er galt og overskrider profesjonelle grenser i sin ivaretakelse. Det utvikles vonde sirkler der klienten – naturlig nok – prøver ut om psykologen virkelig står dem bi i ett og alt ved å eskalere destruktiv atferd, som for eksempel selvmordsforsøk. Psykologen er redd tvangsinnlegging vil oppfattes som et svik, og rykker ut igjen. «Den gode mor» blir en grenseløs mor. Det er færre slike historier i dag; psykologer har utviklet nye forståelser og andre redskaper. Allikevel ligger det vel en kime til ønsket om å være «den gode mor» hos de fleste av oss, som vi kontinuerlig må skjerpe bevisstheten om. Noe av det viktigste og vanskeligste ved psykologens profesjonsrolle er å forene en betingelsesløs akseptasjon med å sette de nødvendige grensene for nærhet. Det er slik vi hjelper de hjelpsøkende vi samarbeider med til å stå på sine egne bein.

 

Tekst Sissel Reichelt, professor emerita i klinisk psykologi ved UiO

Illustrasjon Christopher Wirsching


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