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Kunstig jakt på ekte kjærlighet – Speilvendt
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Kunstig jakt på ekte kjærlighet


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Terapipodcaster, datingapper og åpenhet. I denne teksten reflekterer forfatteren rundt utfordringene den digitale tidsalderen bringer i søken om langvarige og gode forhold. Vil søkeren trumfe disse utfordringene, eller forsvinne gradvis i høyre og venstre swipes?

 

Tekst: Beate Duus Wetteland
Illustrasjon: Linda Heggen

 

Podcast-året 2018 fikk en pangstart med terapiserien «Hos Peder» på NRK Radio. Det første terapiforløpet vi fikk lytte til var Tirill sitt, under tittelen «Evig Singel». Tirill oppsøker psykolog Peder Kjøs fordi hun ønsker svar på hvorfor hun, i en alder av trettifem, har vært singel de siste tolv årene. I likhet med mange andre tok jeg imot invitasjonen inn i terapirommet med åpne armer. I stedet for å bruke telefonen til å swipe til  høyre eller venstre, lot jeg den bringe meg inn i samtalen mellom Tirill og Peder. I løpet av et par dager hadde jeg fulgt et terapiforløp som i realiteten hadde strukket seg over flere måneder. Det føles i ettertid som om jeg har vært i en form for indirekte, komprimert terapi selv.

Det slo meg etter første time med Tirill og Peder at det måtte være noe i veien med meg også, at noe var unormalt. Tirill er riktignok ti år eldre enn meg, men selv har jeg aldri hatt kjæreste, så aldersforskjellen føltes ikke veldig betryggende. Likevel har jeg følt meg relativt normal her jeg lever mitt single studentliv i Oslo. Et liv jeg antar at ikke skiller seg nevneverdig fra flesteparten av mine venners liv, da mange av dem også er single. Men vi dater jo. Vi er ikke helt single hele tiden. Ganske ofte er vi det som kalles «gråsone-single», og vi er nesten alltid på tinder. En fot innenfor, en fot utenfor. Temaet for Tirills terapi ga altså gjenklang i mine egne erfaringer. Jeg tror dessuten det er et uttrykk for et fenomen i samfunnet for øvrig, og som ikke begrenser seg til våre personlige opplevelser.

Terapiformen er individsentrert, da podcasten tar for seg problemer som ofte kan løses på individnivå. Som klient i terapirommet er alt fokus rettet mot en selv og ens eget ansvar, fordi pasienten på denne måten kan gjøres klar over egne muligheter for å endre på sin situasjon. Likevel er enkeltmennesket også et produkt av sin samtid. Nøkkelen er å anerkjenne at innflytelsen av «miljøfaktorer» ikke trenger å stå i motsetning til å kunne endre på seg selv.

Jeg er ikke en sånn type singel som møter opp på første date med en lang liste kriterier som skal krysses av. Neida, jeg er åpen for det meste. I løpet av de siste fem årene har jeg møtt kjedelige menn, kreative menn, friluftsmenn,businessmenn, idrettsutøvere, musikere, kunstnere og leger… men hvis jeg skal være helt ærlig med meg selv, har jeg ikke egentlig ønsket å gi slipp på noe, for å gjøre plass til noen av disse mennene i mitt indre, emosjonelle liv. På samme måte som jeg også alltid har sett frem til å prøve en ny restaurant, reise et nytt sted, farge håret i en ny farge, har jeg sett frem til den nye første daten. Jeg har absolutt vært interessert i å møte noen, det er ikke det. Det er bare det at jeg hele tiden har villet fortsette å møte nye.

Tirill ble lei seg da Peder insinuerte at hun ikke egentlig var så åpen som hun trodde. Hun tenkte i utgangspunktet at hun var ganske åpen for å møte noen. Hun gikk på fest, pratet, drakk, ble med på på nach; hun var ikke usosial, liksom. Likevel ble det aldri noen spesiell kjemi med noen av dem hun møtte, og hun klarte ikke å forstå hvorfor.

Gjennom terapiforløpet lærte Tirill (og dermed jeg), at det er forskjell på det å være sosialt åpen og deltagende – og det å være åpen for å møte noen. De gangene Tirill dro på date, tok hun ansvar for hele situasjonen og fokuserte på å stille oppfølgende spørsmål. På denne måten skulle hun vise at hun var interessert. Det som skjedde var imidlertid at hennes egen person ble usynlig for den andre, og da ble hun ikke oppfattet som åpen og interessert likevel. Frykten for å virke uinteressert eller selvopptatt, gjorde at den andre ikke fikk muligheten til å faktisk bli interessert i henne. Et viktig tema i terapien ble derfor å forsøke å ta mer plass sammen med andre, å tørre å være litt krevende, litt selvsentrert, litt slitsom.

 

Dette fikk meg til å tenke tilbake på en date jeg var på for flere år siden, der verken han eller jeg ga noen plass til meg i samtalen. Mannen jeg var på date med var professor, altså en intelligent mann. På den tiden trodde jeg fremdeles, naivt nok, at intelligens på en eller annen måte hadde sammenheng med det å være et godt menneske, og  jeg var derfor positivt innstilt. Jeg ble derfor ganske overrasket når professoren ikke stilte meg ett eneste spørsmål i løpet av daten – til tross for at vi snakket sammen i tre timer. Det høres kanskje absurd ut nå, og det kjentes i alle fall absurd ut der og da. Han spurte meg ikke engang om hva jeg studerte. Jeg kan fremdeles fremkalle den følelsen det ga meg, følelsen av å være fullstendig betydningsløs. Han snakket om seg selv i en eneste lang monolog, og ramset opp alle sine prestasjoner. Jeg lyttet og stilte oppfølgende spørsmål, fordi jeg antok at det var det han ville at jeg skulle gjøre. Det virket imidlertid egentlig ikke som om han koste seg, han heller, og jeg hørte aldri noe mer.

I dag ville jeg ha gått etter en halvtime, så noe har nok jeg lært gjennom disse årene med app-dating. Likevel blar jeg stadig gjennom de samme ansiktene, hele tiden videre, bare én til… sletter appene, men laster dem ned igjen noen uker senere. Det er som om jeg ikke klarer å tro på at det går an å møte noen uten disse appene. Sletter jeg dem, blir jeg i alle fall evig singel. Og det kan jeg jo ikke risikere, jeg må jo være . Jeg må jo date, hvis jeg skal finne den rette, så jeg har liksom ikke råd til å la være. Frykten for å ikke møte noen gjør at jeg er mindre påkoblet den virkelige verden. Jeg er liksom ikke helt tilstede der de tilfeldige møtene kan oppstå – og dermed «finner» jeg heller ikke noen. I allefall ikke så lenge det er flere smilende, spennende ansikter i bunken på mobilen.

 

Tirill ble, i løpet av samtalene med Peder, bevisst på sine egne mønstre og prioriteringer. Selv om ikke Tirill hadde tenkt på disse tingene selv, hadde nok datene hennes fanget opp at hun ikke egentlig var åpen for å slippe dem inn på seg. Når hun ble gjort oppmerksom  på sine egne mønstre, kunne hun begynne å øve seg på å endre dem. Heldigvis for meg, for alle de single venninnene mine, og for alle dere andre, kan vi ta lærdom av Tirills terapi med Peder, og begynne å øve på egenhånd. Tre ut av vår virtuelle sosiale verden, for å være litt mer i den virkelige. Samtidig er det ikke enkelt å løfte blikket opp fra appene og rette det utover. For alle de smilende, interessante ansiktene blikket mitt faller på, er også først og fremst opptatt av sin egen virtuelle bunke av lovende potensielle partnere. Eller i alle fall en hyggelig første date.

 

Beate Duus Wetteland går 11. semester på profesjonsstudiet i psykologi.


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