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Planter som vokser og mødre som tegner streker i dørkarmen – Speilvendt
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Planter som vokser og mødre som tegner streker i dørkarmen


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Det er noen øyeblikk. En følelse av at man ser alt klart. Verden har blitt litt mindre, eller jeg har vokst og blitt litt større.

 

Illustrasjon: Victoria Forsberg
Illustrasjon: Victoria Forsberg

 

Jeg har ikke egentlig vokst noe særlig siden sekstenårsalderen. Da nådde jeg min genetisk betingede høyde. Selv om miljøfaktorer også her har litt å si. Næringsrik mat, variert kosthold, mye økologisk. Moren min dyrket grønnsaker da jeg var liten. En stor grønnsakshage. Et drivhus med tett luft og tomatlukt. Lange rader med salat, gulrot og kål. Her vokste jeg opp. Jeg vokste, vi vannet og grønnsakene vokste. Vi drakk vann. Vi spiste grønnsaker. Vi sådde nye.

Det er en så konkret vekst. Jeg kunne se det fra en uke til den neste: Gresskarene ble større, sukkerertene ble høyere. Alt grodde. En kvantitativ økning i antall og størrelse. Jeg vokste også, litt saktere, men likevel, hver gang jeg stilte meg inntil dørkarmen inn til kjøkkenet, kunne mamma tegne en ny strek over de andre. Jeg fikk skrive opp centimeterne. Litt høyere hvert år.

Nå er jeg 170 centimeter, og det har jeg vært lenge. Men jeg har ikke sluttet å vokse. Prosessen har bare tatt en annen form. En abstrakt vekst, en personlig modning, en kognitiv utvikling. Jeg vokser ikke lenger i høyde, men i kompleksitet. Tror jeg. Men hagen vokser fortsatt på samme måte. Moren min vanner, solen skinner og grønnsakene vokser.

 

«Nå er jeg 170 centimeter, og det har jeg vært lenge. Men jeg har ikke sluttet å vokse.»

 

Jeg hadde luket i to timer da øyeblikket kom. To og et halvt bed. Jeg hadde kjent på jorden, svettet i nakken, bøyd ryggen. Jeg satte meg ned, og plutselig var fuglesangen så sterk. Jeg kunne høre dem, alle sammen. Og de to uglene i eiketreet. Jeg kunne høre livet leve rundt meg, og jeg kunne kjenne det inne i meg. Skogen ble en mørk silhuett foran de lave solstrålene. Små fluer fløy rundt, de lyste opp i kontrasten, med bittesmå vinger fulle av sol. Gresset på jordet virket plutselig så grønt, og jeg var varm. Der på stolen blant bedene fant jeg roen. Den jeg hadde søkt hele uken.

Eller roen fant meg. Der jeg satt i gresset, som plutselig var grønt, og livet, som plutselig var klart. Jeg så meg selv i det øyeblikket som gammel, sittende der med hatten sin i varmen og tenkende på sitt lange liv. En gammel dame som hadde erfart livet på godt og vondt, opplevd vekst og forfall, og som nå var på slutten av sin eksistens. Følelsen var overveldende. Vakker. Melankolsk. Nostalgisk. Jeg pustet. Skogen pustet. Fuglene sang. Grønnsakene vokste videre.

Gjennom kaoset, tvilen, kvalmen, slappheten, angsten, uroen, stresset, den dårlige samvittigheten som stjeler kognitiv kapasitet, den nagende bebreidelsen for ikke å gjøre nok, den begrensende forventningen om hvordan noe skal og ikke skal være – gjennom alt det fant jeg stillheten igjen. Men også ny kunnskap. Jeg hadde vokst. Ikke i høyden, men i dybden.

Jeg gikk inn.

 

Kvelden før hadde jeg følt begrensningene. Min mor lager hvert år en fødestue av mitt rom. Her setter hun potte på potte med jord. På skrivebordet, på kommoden, over hele gulvet. Hun sår og sår, og pottene blir flere og flere. Det føles alltid klaustrofobisk og for tett i det lille rommet. De er for mange, og det blir ikke plass til meg.

Nå så jeg ikke bare potter som tok plass. Jeg så også frøene de bar inni seg. Jeg sover ved siden av frøene som også sover.  I en varm, tentativ tilstand, som et potensial som bare venter på den rette tiden for å bryte opp. Det handler om liv som vekkes sakte. Nå forstår jeg dem, frøene, og de forstår meg. Det handler om å legge til rette for omstendighetene til vekst. Det handler om å så, vanne, gjødsle, luke, være tålmodig – og håpe på fint vær.

 

«Noen ganger er gresset grønt. Andre ganger virker det så uendelig mye grønnere på den andre siden.»

 

Den humanistiske tradisjon innen psykologi tenker seg at mennesket har et naturlig og instinktivt ønske om vekst. Mennesket streber etter personlig utvikling og har et ønske om å realisere sitt ekte potensial. Psykologiens rolle blir å klargjøre disse mulighetene og rydde hindringer av veien. Luke.

Mennesket er kanskje en aktør, men vi inngår i mange prosesser vi ikke kan styre. Man kan ikke alltid velge sine erfaringer i livet. De kommer og går, som tunge, svarte skyer. Mamma klager aldri når det regner om sommeren. Det er bare bra, sier hun. Plantene trenger vann, de har bare godt av det. Det er mange faktorer som bidrar til vekst.

 

Jeg hadde luket i hagen, jeg hadde gått inn, jeg så at plantene på rommet mitt hadde vokst. Jeg vet ikke lenger hvordan jeg skal måle min egen modning. Det at jeg vokser. Jeg føler bare kaoset av prosessen, jeg kan kjenne voksesmertene og jeg opplever motstanden. Jeg prøver å velge ikke å se det som problemer, men som utfordringer. En uendelig strøm av muligheter for vekst. Slik er livet. Og plutselig virker det som noe helt annet. Noen ganger er gresset grønt. Andre ganger virker det så uendelig mye grønnere på den andre siden.

Gresset blir grønt der du vanner det, sier mamma. Hun er snart en gammel dame, som har erfart livet på godt og vondt, opplevd vekst og forfall. Hun har sett byen ekspandere. Hun har opplevd velstandsøkning, høykonjunkturer, lavkonjunkturer, Berlinmurens fall og Sovjetunionens oppløsning. Hun har sett regnskogen bli mindre og mindre, materialismen bli større og større, og kulturlandskapet gro igjen. Hun har sett søppelmengden øke og dyrearter forsvinne. Hun har opplevd positiv vekst, vennskap som blir sterkere og kjærlighet som blir dypere, og hun har opplevd patologisk vekst, celler som deler seg uten kontroll. Mennesker som dør. Hun har fått grønnsaker til å vokse. Hun har tegnet streker og sett meg vokse opp.

 

«Man må luke, masse, hele tiden, for ugresset vokser også. Men når man har fått fjernet litt, ser man alt så mye tydeligere.»

 

Nå blir det ikke lenger laget nye streker i dørkarmen, men jeg tror jeg vokser fortsatt likevel. Som oftest er jeg neimen ikke sikker i hvilken retning, på hvilken måte eller om jeg i det hele tatt liker det. Å vokse skjer på godt og vondt. Oppover, innover, nedover. Positivt eller negativt, fort eller sakte. Men det er noen øyeblikk. En følelse av at man plutselig ser alt klart og tydelig. Der roen senker seg over livet. En følelse av perspektiv, en identifisering av en sammenheng. Et bilde som har blitt større. En innsikt som har blitt dypere. En forståelse av hvor man er, hvor man har vært og hvor man skal videre.

Det krever tålmodighet å dyrke grønnsaker, og det krever arbeid. Det har mamma lært meg. Man må så frøene, grave i jorden og lage et godt vanningssystem. Og man må luke, masse, hele tiden, for ugresset vokser også. Men når man har fått fjernet litt, ser man alt så mye tydeligere. Og man kan ta en pause for å ta det hele inn over seg.


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