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Spør psykologen – Speilvendt
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Spør psykologen


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Til psykologen,

 

Mine foreldre skilte seg da jeg var så å si voksen. Den ene parten forlot den andre, som fikk sjokk. Jeg og mine to eldre søsken var hele tiden tydelige på at vi støttet dem begge, men at vi absolutt ikke ville innblandes i detaljene; i denne situasjonen hadde vi behov for å være «barna».

Likevel skjer det jo alltid litt innblanding og opprydding, men egen helse har uansett alltid vært min prioritet, også når saken ble litt styggere (men fremdeles en relativt ryddig skilsmisse i forhold til mange andres).

Nå er det gått noen år, den ene part er forlovet og stormen har lagt seg. Alle har det bedre. Likevel er en skilsmisse på sett og vis en eviglang problemstilling. Jeg er usikker på hvordan jeg skal forholde meg til alskens småproblemer som dukker opp, hvilken rolle skal jeg ta? Er det en aldersgrense for når det egentlig er greit å si at «nei, dette vil jeg ikke høre»?

Jeg kjenner egentlig at jeg ikke har et stort problem med å blande meg inn nå, jeg klarer fint å kjenne på grensene mine i øyeblikket. Det jeg er mer redd for er å skulle kjenne på negative følelser mange år senere, og angre på at jeg ikke satte tydeligere grenser.

Det er liksom så selvfølgelig hvor strengt man skal sette grenser for innblanding som «barnet» i en skilsmisse når man er yngre – jeg er usikker på hvordan jeg skal forholde meg til problemstillingen når jeg nå begynner å bli mer voksen.

 

Hilsen mann, 21

 

 

Kjære mann, 21,

 

Jeg synes du selv svarer godt på spørsmålet ditt, så jeg vil bare tydeliggjøre det du sier:

Selv om stormen har lagt seg og alle har det bedre, vil det likevel være problemer i kjølvannet av en skilsmisse. Jeg ser for meg eksempler som: hvem skal feire julaften sammen? Hvem drar man til som ung voksen når man skal «hjem», i ferier og helger? Og, som du antyder, hvor mye skal man behøve å vite om og lytte til?

 

Du forteller at egen helse alltid har vært din prioritet. Dine foreldre har lært deg selvivaretagelse, og det er bra. Mange skilsmissebarn strever en del nettopp med å ta hensyn til egne følelser, fordi de er vant til å balansere mellom foreldrenes følelser og ønsker.

Vær glad for og stol på evnen du har til å kjenne på hvor grensene går for deg selv i de ulike situasjonene. Når du kjenner dine egne behov, er neste utfordring å uttrykke deg på en måte som er mulig å motta for dem rundt deg, inkludert foreldrene dine. Hvis du klart, tydelig og med kjærlighet uttrykker både ditt ønske om å treffe dem begge og samtidig ikke være involvert i deres «voksenkonflikter», gjør du sannsynligvis både deg selv og dem en stor tjeneste. Dere får et mer avklart foreldre–barn-forhold. De tvinges til å forholde seg til hverandre, der hvor eventuelle konflikter hører hjemme. Også hvis konflikten gjelder at en av dem føler seg mindre sett eller oppsøkt av deg.

Det er min (mer eller mindre faglig funderte) mening at foreldre skal være rettferdige overfor sine voksne barn, men at barna ikke i samme omfang har det samme ansvaret tilbake. Du og dine søsken kan velge ut i fra hensyn til egen helse og trivsel. Det vil være annerledes hvis sykdom og nød oppstår i foreldregenerasjonen, men det er jo ikke tilfelle hos dere.

En skilsmisse er de skiltes ansvar. Barna, også voksne barn, må uansett leve med konsekvensene det har for livet deres. At du håndterer situasjonen til beste for deg selv er antakelig best for alle. Stå på og lykke til!

 

Guro Øiestad, psykologspesialist og og universitetslektor ved Psykologisk institutt, UiO


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