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Spør psykologen – Speilvendt
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Spør psykologen


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Til psykologen,

 

Jeg har alltid vært det man kan kalle ambisiøs og hardtarbeidende, og har stilt usedvanlig høye krav til hva jeg «skal bli når jeg blir stor». Har også, som følge, hatt en over middels akademisk omgangskrets. Den siste tiden har jeg derimot følt på at jeg er mer lykkelig i mindre ambisiøse miljøer, og har avsluttet et studie for å strøjobbe en periode. Har også fått nye hobbyer med tilhørende venner i nye miljøer hvilket føles utrolig befriende. Likevel synes jeg det er vanskelig å ikke tenke at «jeg er hva jeg driver med», noe jeg altså ikke er særlig fornøyd med i de jobbene jeg har nå.

 

Hvordan omstiller jeg forventningene jeg har hatt til meg selv, om jeg skulle velge en mindre ambisiøs retning i livet enn hva jeg tidligere har forestilt meg?

 

Hilsen anonym

 

 

Hei anonym,

 

«Jeg er hva jeg driver med» – ja, det er du. Den tanken kommer du ikke utenom, for hva skulle du ellers være? Forestillingen om at vi er det vi gjør gjennomsyrer hele kulturen vår. Alle krav om å bli anerkjent som noe annet – noe som «egentlig» er deg, men som du ikke gjør akkurat nå – er i bunn og grunn meningsløse for oss. Eksistens går foran essens, sier eksistensialistene. Og din eksistens, din måte å uttrykke deg på gjennom handling, er å strøjobbe (fiffig verb!) og å trives med en enklere omgangsform. Og da får jeg lyst til å snu litt på spørsmålet ditt: hva er galt med å være den du er? Hvorfor kan du ikke være fornøyd med det du er? Jeg vet at jeg spør dumt. Jeg skjønner selvfølgelig at de fleste vil si at det er bedre å være ambisiøs, hardtarbeidende, over middels og usedvanlig. Men kanskje disse beskrivelsene ikke passer for deg? Hva hvis du er en helt alminnelig person? Hva hvis de usedvanlig høye kravene du har pleid å stille til deg selv er urimelige? At du føler det som en befrielse å leve et annet liv, tyder vel på det.

 

Som du skjønner tenker jeg at veien til en omstilling av forventningene du har til deg selv går gjennom en form for selverkjennelse. Jeg tror at det beste for deg vil være å legge bak deg forestillingen om at du er ambisiøs, hardtarbeidende, over middels og usedvanlig. Hvis du skal lykkes med dette tror jeg du trenger å revurdere synet ditt på folk som er som deg – altså strøjobbere med interessante hobbyer og en ledig omgangsform. Hva synes du om de andre som lever slik du gjør? I verste fall er det slik at du innerst inne føler deg overlegen og synes det er godt å være sammen med dem som en slags pause før ditt «egentlige jeg» skal realiseres. Jeg håper at det heller er slik at du ser en verdi i en måte å leve på som er annerledes enn den du kjenner fra Akademia. Hvis det livet de lever står for deg som et godt liv, og at du kan anerkjenne denne måten å leve på som verdifull, burde det være mulig for deg å ta del i det fullt og helt, ikke bare som en turist. Jeg innser at jeg er ganske streng i det jeg skriver her – streng på den måten man vanligvis er overfor seg selv, mens man gjerne er mer forståelsesfull og rund overfor andre.

 

Grunnen er naturligvis at det spørsmålet du tar opp i aller høyeste grad angår meg selv, også. For tiden står jeg overfor noen store og betydningsfulle veivalg i yrkeslivet som også får avgjørende betydning for mitt eget syn på hvem jeg er. Som de fleste andre i vår kulturkrets har jeg i meg et ideal om å være rastløs og virkeliggjøre det jeg eventuelt måtte ha av potensial i en høyest mulig stilling i det yrket jeg har valgt. Men så lurer jeg på om jeg har nådd nivået mitt og ikke vil trives på neste trinn, fordi det blir for slitsomt å være der. Skal jeg henge etter fingertuppene i en for høy stige, eller er det bedre å ha det litt godt i komfortsonen? Ikke noe lett valg, for man vet jo aldri hva man eventuelt kunne ha klart, hvis man bare hadde satset. Antakelig får vi aldri fullstendig ro, verken du eller jeg. Vi kommer nok alltid til å lure på om vi er der vi skal være, eller om vi sikter for lavt. Jeg tror denne rastløse uroen er den forbannelsen som uunngåelig følger med den eksistensielle friheten til å utforske sitt eget potensial – eller å la være.

 

– Peder Kjøs, psykologspesialist og stipendiat ved Psykologisk institutt, UiO


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