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Spør psykologen – Speilvendt
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Spør psykologen


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Hei Speilvendt-psykolog!

Jeg er en jente på 20 år som i utgangspunktet har god selvtillit og trives rundt andre mennesker. Jeg synes selv jeg har mange gode egenskaper og anser meg selv som en god venn, men jeg opplever det likevel ofte som vanskelig å bygge nære vennskap med andre, fordi jeg tviler på om de egentlig er sammen med meg fordi de setter genuint pris på det, eller om det bare er fordi de føler de ”må”. Jeg har identifisert dette til at det bare skjer når jeg tenker at personene vil ha minst like mye som meg å gi – intellektuelt, sosialt og erfaringsmessig – i et vennskap, og derfor har jeg flest venner der jeg er i den (for meg) komfortable rollen av å være den som gir mest. Tankene mine får meg til å trekke meg unna mennesker jeg virkelig tror jeg kunne hatt gode vennskap med, fordi jeg tolker alt (sene svar på meldinger, manglende initiativ eller at personene ikke kan når jeg foreslår å finne på noe) som at de ikke egentlig liker meg. Har du noen råd?

Hilsen ensom


Kjære jente 20 år.

Du beskriver et mønster jeg tror mange kan kjenne seg igjen i. Det å våge å nærme seg noen man virkelig liker. Når noe som betyr noe for oss står på spill, er det ikke uvanlig å bli usikker. Jeg tenker at det å knytte seg til andre mennesker alltid vil innebære en form for risiko – fordi vi kan bli avvist eller miste dem. For noen, slik som du beskriver, er denne tilnærmingen ekstra krevende og skummel.

Det jeg forstår når jeg leser brevet ditt er at du er en ung kvinne med mange ressurser. Du har god selvtillit, du trives med mennesker, du har mange gode egenskaper, og du vet at du er en god venn. Det er viktig at du ser og verdsetter disse egenskapene. Dessuten har du klart å identifisere et mønster i din væremåte, og det virker som om du er nysgjerrig på deg selv. Det er også en ressurs og et godt utgangspunkt for å finne mer ut av og forhåpentlig møte det du synes er utfordrende på en annen måte i framtiden.

Hvis jeg forstår deg riktig, så ønsker du råd fordi du synes det er vanskelig å knytte deg til mennesker som matcher deg selv og som du tenker at du kunne hatt nære og gjensidige vennskap med. At det er vanskelig å stole på at nettopp disse vil være sammen med deg av lyst, og ikke av plikt. Jeg vet ikke om jeg kan gi deg noen konkrete råd, men jeg skal dele noen tanker med deg.

Du skriver at du har god selvtillit – at du får til ting på mange områder i livet ditt. Vi skiller ofte mellom selvtillit og selvfølelse, selv om jeg tenker at dette er to ulike sider av hvordan vi forholder oss til oss selv. Selvtillit handler gjerne om prestasjoner, det å vite at vi får til ting. Slik som du skriver at du gjør. Selvfølelse handler mer om den verdien vi gir oss selv som menneske. Og der strever du når det gjelder å stole på at andre kan like deg som du er.

Du skriver at du har flest vennskap der du er i rollen som den som gir mest, og at det er en rolle du er komfortabel i. Det kan høres ut som en rolle du er godt kjent med og som du nesten automatisk havner i. Har du noen tanker om hva som gjør at det kan ha blitt sånn? Kan det være noe i erfaringshistorien din som gjør at du er mest komfortabel med å gi? Eller at det kanskje er vanskelig å ta i mot? Vi formes av måten vi har blitt møtt på opp gjennom livet, og som barn finner vi måter å være på som gir oss mest mulig oppmerksomhet og bekreftelse. Noen blir stille og forsiktige, andre tar stor plass. Kanskje har det vært viktig for deg å passe på andre? Eller kanskje har du ikke har fått så mye bekreftelse på at du er god nok akkurat slik du er?

Lav selvfølelse kan få oss til å tro at andre tenker det samme som vi selv gjør. Det er som om vi legger vår egen usikkerhet og negative tanker om oss selv over i den andres hode – det at jeg er redd for at den andre ikke liker meg blir til at den andre helt sikkert ikke liker meg. Så leter vi etter tegn som kan bekrefte dette, og ender med å konkludere med at det er sånn. En måte å forstå dette på er det som kalles selvoppfyllende profetier. Det betyr at vi bidrar til å skape den situasjonen vi tror skal oppstå, enten ved at vi tolker noe i en bestemt retning eller at vi oppfører oss på måter som gjør at andre reagerer slik som vi frykter at de skal gjøre. Du beskriver din egen reaksjon i disse situasjonene som at du trekker deg unna og har en tendens til å tolke tegn (f.eks. et sent svar på sms) som avvisning (at den andre ikke liker deg). Kanskje går det an å undersøke disse situasjonene litt nøyere og med et mer nøytralt blikk. Hva skjer i det øyeblikket du møter en du tenker kan være en god match? Kan det være noe i væremåten din som gjør at du trekker deg litt unna, ikke møter blikket, blir litt mindre entusiastisk, ikke selv tar initiativ etc. – selv om det ikke er slik du føler det inni deg? Det kan være små, subtile reaksjoner som den andre fanger opp og kanskje selv blir usikker av og trekker seg unna. Konsekvensen er at du blir lei deg og tolker det som at den andre ikke vil. Men kanskje den andre også er litt reservert og usikker?

En måte du kan nærme seg dette på er å undersøke om det kan være andre måter å forstå situasjonen. Hva slags ønsker, motiver og beveggrunner kan den andre ha for å oppføre seg som han eller hun gjør? Kan uteblitt svar på sms eller manglende initiativ skyldes andre ting enn at den andre ikke liker deg? Her tror jeg bare du må kaste deg ut i det og prøve. Hvis du klarer å se noen alternative forklaringer, og samtidig minne deg selv på alle de gode egenskapene du har, kan det hende det blir lettere for deg å stole på at du både kan gi og få i relasjoner som virkelig kan være gode for deg. Lykke til!

Hilsen Margrethe Seeger Halvorsen
Psykologspesialist og førsteamanuensis ved Universitetet i Oslo

margrethe_s_halvorsen (1)Foto: Paul S. Amundsen


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