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//Stillhet – Speilvendt
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//Stillhet


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Tekst: Per Flatebø
Illustrasjon: Ole Flatebø

Der var pulsen oppe i tre hundre ja. Klam og jævlig i håndflatene. Er dette dagen jeg skal spy foran klassen? Er egentlig ikke kvalm, men det er ikke usannsynlig at jeg blir det i siste sekund før jeg skal på podiet. «Da gir jeg ordet videre til Mohammad, som skal gi oss en grundigere innføring i…» kunne med høy sannsynlighet være den utløsende årsaken til at mageinnhold velter opp i åsyn av hele klassen. Ja, det kommer ganske sikkert til å skje. Eller så kommer jeg til å gå i bakken. Det har selvfølgelig aldri skjedd før, men en gang må være den første, tenker jeg. 

Der sendes den verbale stafettpinnen videre til Kine, som trer inn i spotlighten med den største naturlighet og selvtillit. Hun sliter riktignok med første setning, men henter seg selvsikkert inn igjen og gjenvinner kontrollen over temaet «Æreskultur». Hun snakker med et fantastisk språk, og måten hun klarer å anvende dynamikken i stemmen tjener poengene på en profesjonell måte. Kildebruken og fagbegrepene er velplasserte, og fører til en god faglig etos, uten at temaene blir for tunge å fordøye. Kroppsspråket er åpent, uredd, og utstråler en sunn selvtillit. Folk i salen nikker anerkjennende til alt hun sier, og noen sier til og med «mhm», etter noen av poengene hennes. 

Finnes det muligheter for å lette litt på stemningen når jeg skal begi meg opp på scenen? Slå til med en spøk? Spille på min egen usikkerhet, slik denne novellen startet? «Der føyk pulsen opp i tre hundre ja, hehe», kan jeg si, når turen min endelig kommer. Kan det funke i denne sammenhengen også? Hehe, vil kanskje folk le. Eller i alle fall dra litt på smilebåndet. I alle fall hvis jeg er i stand til å levere spøken slik at humoren kommer tydelig fram. Det er også en mulighet for at det slår helt feil ut. Folk kan komme til å tolke utsagnet som en unnskyldning. En unnskyldning jeg er nødt til å komme med fordi jeg er dårlig forberedt, og derfor søker sympati. Det ville vært krise.

Tre hundre er for mye. Burde jeg si to hundre? Alle i klassa veit jo at tre hundre i puls ligger så langt fra virkeligheten at det nærmest virker barnslig. Da vil publikum helt sikkert ikke le eller synes synd på meg. Folk vil tenke at jeg rett og slett er en idiot, uten evne til å skille passende fra upassende, bra fra dårlig, rett fra galt, viktig fra uviktig, seriøst fra tull. Og verst av alt er at jeg også vil begynne å bebreide meg selv for å være en idiot. Vil ikke være i stand til å innse at det var en ærlig feil som kunne rammet nesten hvem som helst. Da vil det kunne gå flere måneder å bygge opp igjen det snevet av selvtillit som har fylt meg de siste dagene. Nå virker den imidlertid fraværende.

«Da skal Mohammad gi dere en innføring i ulike former for æreskultur, og problemer i forbindelse med å skille mellom ulike æreskulturer». 

(Går fram).

(Tar mikrofonen).

«Der føyk pulsen opp i 250 ja, hehe».

(Stillhet).

Det fårete smilet som er klistret i det stygge trynet mitt er vendt ut mot salen i nøyaktig tre sekunder, mens klassens hoder prosesserer det humoristiske innslaget. Fem hundre millisekunder etter leveransen av spøken (som jeg i ettertid innser at ikke kan ha fraveket realiteten nevneverdig. Jeg kan nemlig garantere at pulsen hadde passert to hundre, og muligens kan ha tangert 230. Så teknisk sett påpekte jeg vel heller et svakt trekk ved meg selv i det daværende øyeblikket, noe som gjør det til en mer selvironisk kommentar enn en spøk), blomstrer angeren og selvforakten i meg. Anger fordi komikkinnslaget ikke fikk det resultatet jeg ønsket, og fordi jeg ikke holdt meg til manuset. Selvforakt fordi jeg er skrudd sammen som jeg er, og fordi jeg ser et gjentakende mønster i denne typen selvforskyldte situasjoner. 

750 millisekunder etter det malplasserte standup-materialet. Folk har hatt mer enn nok tid til å fyre i gang lattermusklene. Ingenting. Ingenting. Ikke engang noen som kremter, slik de gjør på film i kleine øyeblikk. Kontakten med armene og beina avtar. De føles fjerne, og energiløse. Å holde seg oppreist og å holde balansen byr på større utfordringer enn beina kan takle, og for å redde meg selv fra fysisk sammenbrudd, forsøker jeg å støtte meg på kateteret på en nonchalant og kul måte. Det at jeg ikke har tatt med i beregningen at armene er like kraftløse som beina, medfører at de nesten knekker sammen under meg når jeg omsider får plassert dem på kateteret, og lener noe av kroppsvekten på dem.

Jeg er klassens store idiot. Jeg vender hodet inn mot powerpointen, men det er vanskelig å gjøre mening av ordene over de H.A.M.R.E.N.D.E. hjerteslagene. Jeg hadde gitt hva som helst for å synke i jorden. Åpningssetningen! Hva var åpningssetningen? Jeg får så vidt tak i bruddstykkene av det som pleide å være den innøvde åpningssetningen, men den åpenbarer seg på en ny og kryptisk måte, og det som utgjorde en solid innledning under generalprøven ender opp som fire brukne setninger med et ødelagt meningsinnhold. Jeg står delvis vendt inn mot bildet som er projisert på veggen, så ansiktet mitt er skjult for de fleste i salen. Stotrer et par ord og setninger, og prøver å finne gjenfinne den røde tråden i den gjennomarbeidede framlegget, som nå er redusert til meningsløse enkeltord og påstander. Når jeg har kommet omtrent tre fjerdedeler oppdager jeg at jeg har glemt å trykke meg gjennom powerpointen, og trykker meg derfor gjennom mesteparten av slidesene, frem til der jeg er nå. Skjelvingen har bygget seg opp i løpet av fremføringen, og gjør det nærmest umulig å trykke på piltastene, og jeg kommer til slutt borti en annen tast på tastaturet som avslutter fullskjermvisningen av powerpointen. 

Det er nå fullstendig krise, og jeg ser ingen annen utvei enn å runde av så fort som mulig – selv om jeg ikke har fått sagt alt jeg skulle si – og sende stafettpinnen videre til nestemann. Etter mye om og men får jeg satt i gang fullskjermvisningen igjen, sagt et par avsluttende setninger, introdusert nestemann, og trukket meg tilbake på scenen. Blikkene fra medelevene brenner. Skammen ulmer opp i meg og fyller hele mitt indre. Det faktum at jeg skal stå på scenen under de neste presentasjonene, resulterer nesten i en manisk latter, men jeg klarer så vidt å tøyle meg. Det kjennes nesten som om jeg ser meg selv utenfra, idet gruppa bukker etter presentasjonen er ferdig, og vi forsvinner ut i salen igjen.

Per Flatebø går 6. semester på profesjonsstudiet i psykolog


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