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Om å lengte etter å bli voksen – Speilvendt
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Om å lengte etter å bli voksen


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Da jeg var barn var det eneste jeg ville å bli voksen. Jeg brukte mye av tiden min til å observere voksne. Hvordan de snakket med hverandre, hvordan de gikk kledd, måten de senket stemmeleiet på når de skulle snakke om «voksenting», hva de drev med på fritiden og hvor mye (ev. lite) godteri de spiste hver lørdag. 

For meg fremstod voksenlivet som det ultimate målet i livet. Det var når man ble voksen at man kunne kjenne på hvordan det faktisk var å leve i verden. Som voksen ville man ha  svarene på alle ««hvorfor det»- spørsmålene,», folk ville endelig være villige til å høre på det man sa, og man kunne drikke vin mens man snakket om personer med rare navn som hadde skrevet viktige ting. Og viktigst av alt; man ville bli tatt på alvor.

Å ikke passe inn som barn
Lengselen etter å bli voksen var i meg til enhver tid, men det var særlig noen situasjoner som forsterket følelsen ytterligere. Først og fremst dreide dette seg om at jeg store deler av dagen gikk rundt med en brennende følelse av å ikke passe helt inn blant alle de andre barna på skolen. De andre ville stort sett leke med pinner i skogen, hoppe strikk, løpe rundt og bråke, eller sitte og hviske med etterfølgende fnising av det som ble hvisket om (les: han søte gutten i klassen). Jeg har aldri fått noen særlig glede av å leke med pinner, ikke nå, og heller ikke da, så pinnelek ble for meg en av mange bekreftelser på at jeg ikke passet helt inn. For det var kun de kuleste barna som lekte «krig» i skogen. Selv om jeg til tider også kunne like å hoppe tau og leke «barneleker», bestod mine interesser hovedsakelig i å lese bøker (jeg digget Nancy Drew og Tzatziki), gå på fjelltur, knyte knuter i speideren og ikke minst å tenke – mye og ofte. Jeg likte ordet «filosofi» og hadde lyst til å bli en sånn type. Og fordi alle filosofer jeg visste om var eldre menn med skjegg, ble jeg enda mer overbevist om at løsningen på det hele måtte være å bli voksen.

Selv om jeg syntes jeg hadde funnet løsningen på hvordan jeg endelig skulle passe inn, var det ikke alle som var like overbevist. En av disse var mormor, som med et velmenende, men noe ubehagelig blikk kunne se på meg og si: «Så herlig det er å være barn. Man er jo helt uten bekymringer!». Hun mente jeg burde nyte tiden som barn, og at voksenlivet ikke kunne sammenliknes med den friheten barn hadde. Dette gjorde meg nokså sint, og forsterket bare ønsket mitt om å bli voksen. For selv om jeg undret meg over hvordan en voksen som henne kunne savne sin barndom, tenkte jeg samtidig at hun tok feil. Mine observasjoner og undersøkelser tydet jo på det motsatte! 

Observasjoner om voksenlivet
Alle mine observasjoner og undringer resulterte i en rekke antakelser om hvordan voksenlivet utspilte seg. Slik så det ut: 

  1. Alle voksne går på «jobben». Jobben er viktig. Den tar like lang tid hver dag. Etter jobben snakker man om folk på jobben, hvor sliten man er og hvor godt det skal bli med helg.
  2. Voksne leker ikke med pinner. De spiser, går på jobb, ser på tv eller går på tur. Innimellom støvsuger de og henger opp klær. Noen ganger spiser de sjokolade i skjul.
  3. Avisen skal holdes et visst antall centimeter fra ansiktet, og det er viktig at man myser og har brillene på tuppen av nesen. 
  4. Det er mange møter på enkelte jobber, slik som universitetet. Rommene møtene holdes i er grå og triste, det lukter innestengt, og man får vondt i hodet veldig fort. Møtene varer alltid mye lengre enn man tror.
  5. Et tips til å overleve møter: Sitte under bordet og drikke appelsinjuice.

Lengter fremdeles
Nå som jeg er 23 år og «endelig» voksen, synes jeg overraskende mange av antakelsene mine som barn ser ut til å stemme. Sånn noenlunde i hvert fall. Det eneste problemet er at jeg fortsatt ikke føler meg voksen. Til tross for at jeg per definisjon er voksen (over 18 år) og gjør voksenting (studerer, betaler regninger, lager min egen mat, bor med kjæresten, osv.) er det fortsatt en lengsel i meg etter å bli eldre; å bli «voksen». Så hvor kommer denne lengselen fra? Og hva består den i? Det nærmeste jeg kommer et slags svar på dette, tror jeg må være Knausgårds beskrivelse av hvordan livet blir bedre jo eldre man er: 

«Tyveårene var et helvete. Det eneste som var verre, var tenårene. Men trettiårene er ok. (…) Da jeg var tyve, var det jeg hadde, altså det som var meg, så lite. Jeg visste jo ikke om det, for det var jo alt da. Men når jeg er trettifem, er det mer. Altså det som fantes i meg da jeg var tyve, er der fortsatt. Men nå er det omgitt av uendelig mye mer. Omtrent sånn tenker jeg at det er». 

For kanskje er det omtrent dette lengselen består i? I mellomtiden får jeg heller vente i spenning på at voksenlivet skal begynne. For det eneste jeg vet med sikkerhet er at jeg er uendelig lei av å ikke føle meg voksen.

Helene Farestvedt Raaheim går på 10. semester på profesjonsstudiet i psykologi. 

Referanse:
Knausgård, min kamp 2 s.300-301


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